My Bearthday gift to me

RECEIVING/ALLOWING/MEETING MY NEEDS

I thought it fitting I write this tommorow/today as it’s my 40 birthday and Happy Bearthday to Me! I am gifting myself the move down to the Island at the end of April. As I am gearing up and making all the preparations, so many thoughts and feelings are arising, and I wanted share some of them.

What does it mean to receive? Receiving love, receiving yourself, from others, the universe? Knowing what is best for me and trusting myself? I really feel it sometimes, like really feel it, and some of the time I really do not, and I am left feeling disconnected and dissatisfied.  I do not entirely know the answer, but I do know and feel that a good chunk has been missing in my psyche. I do have faith though, that I know it is there, waiting to feel the magic of receiving more wholly, I am always in this limbo state of trying to access it.

I can feel sometimes that it is right in front of me, and I reject it.  I reject it because I do not fully recognize it or even trust it. There are people wanting to support me all the time, but I do not always know how receive it or even see it. There is a fear, a fear that If allow it in I will get hurt. Weird, right?

I know how to give. God do I know how to give.  I have over given my energy on many occasions. I have given without knowing the balance of receiving.

Receiving means asking for help

It means leaning in to receiving when you know you can just do it yourself.

I am sure there is more, and I am learning.

I was brought up to be so independent that I did not need anyone’s help and I believe that it was our mum who taught us this, in a such a way that it came from her own generational wound. She did not know how to do it either. My dad’s too but of a lesser extreme.

I went to see a shaman while living in Peru when we found first found out my mum was sick with stomach cancer, and the Shaman said that if I do not learn how to receive love this lifetime, I will end up with the same illness as my mum. I had an idea already that mum did not know how to receive love. My sisters and I really started showing our own mum how to hug and say, “I love you”. We started to bring that into our family. My dad caught on easily, but mum had a harder time and I always feel and felt compassion for her that she did not know how to do this either. And as I do, I try to figure it out😊

Where does all of it root from?

There is something in my inner child that does not fully trust it. Perhaps because receiving love from my mum was always so conditional. If I got the loving emotional support from my mum, there was always something that needed to be given in return. So as an adult I see that if I chose to receive “love” (if in fact I am choosing it) from someone, I must give something in return and that felt off to me. Because if it were given unconditionally, why would I choose at all how to receive it. It all gets confused inside of me sometimes because I understand that my needs were not met in that department by my mum or my dad. There really is no blame at all as my parents had their own challenges and wounds, they were working with theirs all the time and they really did the best that they knew, and in a lot of ways they did do a really good job. It has come down to a very factual basis for me that my needs were not met in certain ways that I needed, and I am still as an adult learning out how to meet my own needs so that I can experience and share all of me. It really is an internal state of being. That balance of receiving and giving.

I think too that because as a child I understood that to receive and have my basic needs met I always had to give something and that became somewhat painful, so I think I chose to give and not really receive so I would not have to feel the pain of not receiving the unconditional love I knew I was meant to have. And if I gave more of myself, I would somehow get what I really needed. To receive would ultimately end in some sort of pain. Receiving means pain. No wonder I did not want to receive it.

Being a very aware connected adult, I can comprehend it, but I am not entirely knowledgeable in how to rewire it as I have been trying to do that for what seems to be a lot of years now.

There is this part of me knowing that receiving is also linked to knowing when to meet my own needs.  I was not entirely shown how to do that because our mum or dad did not know how to do that very well. From what I saw anyway.

I feel like I have been a complete mess at times when it comes to that but somehow deep in my subconscious my higher self and my inner little children guide me to show me how to do it.

I am shifting this. By just writing this I am shifting the energy and it will really start to activate in my body, my mind, and my spirit.

This next chapter in my life I am meeting my needs of being more supported by earth and I am gifting myself the gift of moving down to the island where I can be closer to water and the old trees and more months of growing season. I am so incredibly excited to go. I leave at the end of April. The energy work and the earth work that I do, I will do anywhere and everywhere and knowing that I need more earth support is the number one reason I am moving down. Finally. I am allowing myself to go. Allowing. Receiving. Meeting my needs.

The upheaval that it is causing in system is remarkably interesting as I have such a lovely tribe, family, and work family that I am going to miss so so dearly. But I must listen. Listen to that deep call in my heart that I know what is best for me and that it is time for me to explore another land.

What I am understanding about balance, is that the balance in receiving and giving is only authentically attainable when there is no expectation of any agenda when giving or receiving. That is, it is shown when that point of receiving or giving is purely done from an unconditional heart. And that is the space I am always working towards. That unconditional open heart. A more whole and healed human. Its truly a journey, a journey I strive more and more to be present with every single day.

At the end of the day, I am so proud of myself for getting to all these realizations and doing something about it.

Aho to meeting myself on a deeper level.

Aho to feeling the earth beneath my feet many more months of the year.

Aho to the Ocean, I am a strong Pieces!!

 Aho to more months of growing food!

Aho to following the call of my heart and soul.

Giving

Receiving

Meeting my needs

Allowing

Aho!

With so much love

J